I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
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he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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