Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
