There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
