I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
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