remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
We had to coat check the pizza.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
