Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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