When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
