Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
