just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
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I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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