Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
