i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
