Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
