I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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