Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Randomize
