Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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