I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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