i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
sarcasm needs its own font
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
