i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
