i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
