We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
