we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize
