If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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