I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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