you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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