Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
