The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
