She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
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