If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
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Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize