Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I cut my penus on the lid.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
