I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Just high enough for therapy.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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