Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Randomize
