Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
