On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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