I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
