i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
