Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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