Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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