Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
