I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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