My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
