My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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