the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
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