Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
