One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
