Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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