the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
