I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
