I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
