If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
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