Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Randomize
