I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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