he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
