I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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