You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
