My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
