Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Can you bring me the toilet please
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
