We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
