You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
