you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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