The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
