Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
