well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
